Today I learned a valuable lesson about anxiety and letting it take hold of me.
“Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety”
-Plato
I remember being in middle school, going through puberty and wearing Hawaiian button down shirts for some crazy preteen reason. I remember being really good at trumpet too. I had breath control and when the music teacher asked me to play in front of class, I had no issue doing so.
Fast forward to 8th grade and suddenly, the teacher would call on me and the pain in my chest would start. I could no longer control my breath, or even catch it for that matter. Slowly but surely, I went further and further down the line of chairs in my class. I went from maybe one of the better players in my class to 3rd from last.
Ever since, whenever I’m in the spotlight, my heart races, my breathing is out of sorts, and I start to sweat. These unreasonable physiological responses to basic human experiences have plagued me for as long as I can remember.
This could be wishful thinking, but I believe today will be the last time I let my anxiety grab hold of me. I’ve reached a snapping point and the lesson I learned could be invaluable to my future endeavors.
Short story time!
Basically, I have a dream job that I want. It’s a cushy network engineer position that pays well, offers remote work, and even has uncapped PTO. Well, I found out last week that I had an interview with the company. All week I prepared. I studied Networking principles, took notes, day dreamed, and I even got a white board and wrote down a cheat sheet. Mostly though I stressed. I stressed all up until about 10 minutes before the call. At that moment, my heart rate sky rocketed and I was out of sorts. Why?
Why was I letting this dream job that I didn’t even have yet, get to me?
“You don’t have to control your thoughts, you just have to stop letting them control you”
-Dan Millman
The clock was ticking, and I had 2 minutes before the interview. I clicked to enter the meeting, closed my eyes, focused on my breathing, and waited for what felt like an eternity for the panel to join the call.
2:00pm: My breathing starts to slow down, I can feel my fingers again
2:01pm: Still a black screen, my heart is still pounding but less so. I’m beginning to catch my breath. I’m going to be ok.
2:02pm: I hear a noise on the other end as the camera turns on to my interviewer. I’m nervous but the physiological stressors are still normalizing.
2:03pm: We say hello to each other, and then the first question comes from his lips.
2:03 and 20 seconds: My heart is crushed as the interviewer asks me a question that lets me know that this job was never mine to begin with.
“Do you have a Top Secret Clearance?”
My shoulders slump, and my energy that I’ve been building up leaves me. My answer is no… No I do not have a TS.
The interviewer apologizes stating that they’ve been having issues with the HR department sending potential employees who only have a secret clearance, when they really need a top secret.
I won’t lie, I was angry and sad. A little relieved in knowing that I didn’t have to fumble for words for the next hour but still very upset. I was cordial to the interviewers, said goodbye, and then put my white board away.
It was at this point that I felt broken. I had just gone through a full week of pent up, unrelenting stress and anxiety over … quite literally, nothing. I never stood a chance and I beat myself up over it for 7 days straight.
Why? Is it control? Or an immense feeling that I need this job and I can’t mess it up? Even knowing fully that stressing about will do nothing but make things worse. Is it ego? Low self esteem? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it broke me.
I went on later that day to shoot pool in my league’s playoffs. Normally I would be sweating, shaking, with my stomach in knots. Let me tell you that during the playoffs, after that hell week, I was incredibly stoic. I played well, but I didn’t care if I won or lost. In fact I lost 9-ball and won 8-ball that night. I was disappointed when I lost, and happy when I won, but the anxiety was gone. It felt great actually!
As I said previously, I do not intend to let my anxiety take hold of me. Next time, I will greet it, acknowledge the emotion, and then I will let it go. There is absolutely no reason why I should let a single job interview put me closer to an early grave. Even if they loved me and offered a job on the spot, what would anxiety have done? Nothing. The answer is nothing. Life will play out as it should. There is no amount of rapid breathing, sweating, or high blood pressure that would have changed the outcome.
So I am done indulging in the ridiculousness of my anxiety. I will let is wash over me but I will not let it take me down into the depths. You have control over me, no more.
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, it turned into a butterfly”
-Ancient Proverb
Thank you for reading! Please comment and share! If you have any questions, feel free to email me at Charlietriesblog@gmail.com